


Dark Mark.

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drarry, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sexual Content, Eventual Smut, M/M, Mental Illness, NSFW, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Self-Destruction, Sexual Content, mental health, not safe for work, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 00:05:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9852953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: Draco feels hollow after the war and the tattoo burned into his skin reminds him everyday. Harry feels like the war never ended, like it's still waging on in his head and under his skin. Will they ever feel okay again? Will they ever find themselves again?





	1. Draco Malfoy

**Author's Note:**

> Please choose your mental health over reading anything that could be triggering or harmful to you.
> 
> Enjoy.

  * He doesn’t know how long it’s been at this point
  * He usually loses track these days
  * But he has it memorized now
  * How faded the once silken dark lines are on his pale skin
  * How grey and dull the harsh ones have become that once outlined the skull
  * They used to be so black, feel so deep
  * Show just how hollow the eye sockets were, just how despairing they could be to stare into
  * And then there was the smooth curves of the body of the snake
  * The ones that used to move and glide over his skin as if itching to attack
  * Itching to get free
  * And although it’s faint now 
  * Although its no longer the inky shadow that once danced on his skin
  * Barely visible unless someone looked hard enough
  * Unless he let someone look hard enough
  * **He still hates it**
  * A raw and intense abhorrence for something he can never take back
  * For something permanently attached to him
  * Staring at him for the rest of his life
  * A constant reminder of the mistakes he made, the people he hurt
  * The choices that he let define him, that will always define him
  * Trapped by a force that made every day  hell
  * That enveloped him in darkness, that ensnared him in fear
  * An evil presence that impaled each morning with the reminder that it wasn’t some nightmare
  * It became so much more than his home being infiltrated by hated
  * More than the effortless elegance of the Manor being destroyed by the stains of innocent blood
  * More than his family becoming a jumble of malice and anger
  * It was what died inside of him  
  * His heart turned black all those months, felt empty
  * His soul had surely left him
  * And there was nothing he could do 
  * His mother’s arms were feeble and cold
  * His bed was hard, sleep farther to reach than it had ever been
  * His body nothing more than frail bones fastened together by prayers
  * All he wanted was to feel again
  * Feel anything at all
  * He wanted to cry out in anger, to sing out in happiness, to let overwhelming sobs wrack his body
  * But he couldn’t
  * No tears fell, no malicious words
  * No thoughts that made blood rush through his veins
  * Nothing but darkness and the overwhelming fear of fear itself
  * But that was over now
  * The Dark Lord had disappeared from this world and Draco thought the transition would be easier
  * Thought that after the court cases and prison sentences and the public apologies that he could **feel** again
  * But everything felt wrong
  * His emotions crawled out of him in heated bursts 
  * Everything set him off, nothing set him off
  * All he had was control
  * But he figured it was better than the hollow pit that usually sat there
  * Than the pure weakness that came from the utter terror that sat in the halls of his mind
  * The terror of memories so deeply embedded in his dreams that every time he closed his eyes he was back there
  * It made his skin crawl and his chest grow tight
  * It caused a tremor to ripple down his back
  * And he tried not to let himself fade into a numb ache
  * But it was all too easy
  * He stayed quite in his eighth year classes
  * Let the jokes and grumblings and hatred that came at him go 
  * _He deserved most of it anyway_
  * Stayed to himself in the library, in the common room … in his bed
  * Let the fleeting attempts at conversation pass him by
  * Even though most of the time it was Harry who was lodging himself between Draco and his mind
  * Harry who caught him off guard in the hallway with a rosy hue in his cheeks and heavy breaths
  * Who settled beside him on the couch in a huff
  * Textbooks heavy in his arms and his hair a tousled mess from being out in the rain and on the Quidditch pitch for far too long
  * He always smelt like a thunderstorm
  * Like fresh rain was permanently stuck his skin
  * And he always looked like common chaos
  * But his voice was melodic and his smile _bearable_
  * And Draco _tolerated_ every moment of it
  * All the while never understanding how someone who spread warmth even through the tips of his fingertips
  * Whose light was _that_ blinding
  * Could be so near and not turn him to ash?
  * He assumed it was because he was contained
  * Slight head nods and pursed lips
  * Even though it felt like Potter’s warmth had curled in the pit of his stomach
  * And every moment made it stronger
  * Draco had never heard such soft goodnights
  * Had never felt the heat that pulsed over his skin when Harry touched his back or rested his palm against Draco’s knee
  * But he refused to let it spread
  * And it was all too easy to fall back into grimaces and smirks and _Potter_
  * To look at him with that bloody smile on his face and roll his eyes
  * To let his old self, his old façade, take every hit on the front line
  * Until it all caught up to him
  * Until those moments came to a startling halt in his head
  * When he just couldn’t hold it anymore
  * Nights like tonight
  * Everything burst from his skin the moment the sun fell from the sky
  * The moment he was alone
  * He always found himself seeking the farthest corner of the castle
  * Farthest from watchful eyes and careful glances
  * _From Harry_
  * He was sitting on the edge of the prefect’s bath 
  * The steaming water burning the skin on his feet and his calves
  * The cold air brisk on his naked form
  * The steam from the bath fogging the room
  * And yet none of it bothered him while he sat transfixed
  * Running his fingers over the mark on his skin repeatedly
  * The glow of him in the moonlight practically bringing it to life again 
  * He just wanted to carve it away
  * Just wanted to feel freedom 
  * He had felt so disconnected from a life that once was
  * A life where the purity of his blood never caused others death or pain
  * A life where taunting and jeering never killed
  * A life where he was so oblivious to it all
  * But, ultimately, he had been swallowed whole by that life
  * Chewed up and spit out over and over again for nearly two years
  * Almost three now
  * It was a life he never knew he hadn’t wanted in the first place
  * It left his soul in mangled shreds on the floor
  * It brought his nails to dig harshly into his skin
  * An act so familiar now
  * The sharp curve running against faded silver lines that he put there before
  * But he’s digging deeper this time
  * Pressing harder 
  * There’s this feeling of pure numbness that comes from it
  * This heat under his nails, under his skin
  * But his mind is white and that’s **exactly** what he wants
  * A completely blank slate
  * No darkness, no light, _just clean_
  * And it’s like time stops as the scratching and burning clear his mind from thoughts of that hollow ache
  * But it’s not enough
  * All he can think about is the mark, the day that started it all
  * He remembers the pain of getting it
  * The way his veins grew cold
  * Like the nerve endings throughout his arm had closed
  * The realization washing over him that this darkness was no longer just around him, _but inside him_  
  * So he presses harder, digs deeper
  * New wounds opened, old wounds re-opened
  * He just wants it gone
  * Wants to see the pale flesh off his forearm
  * He doesn’t even notice when the pain halts
  * Can’t hear anything but the blood pounding in his ears
  * But his shoulders are aching, and his back feels tight
  * And there’s this warmth spreading throughout his arms
  * The sound of water sloshing around
  * ‘Draco?
  * Draco what’s going on?
  * What are you doing to your arm!’
  * He opens his eyes and he’s met with those beautiful green eyes
  * And the rigid curve of Potter’s brow
  * And the sharp slope of his jaw
  * And he has never wanted to stare at someone more than right now
  * But he doesn’t know why his vision is blurry
  * And all he can wonder is has he been crying?
  * ‘You’re bleeding.’
  * He doesn’t even move, lets his body go limp as Potter pulls on him
  * Eases him into the water instead of resting on the edge
  * It’s much less scalding than it was before
  * The bubbles nearly dissolved
  * And Draco can see that Potter is still wearing his clothing
  * His cotton pajamas are clinging to the outline of his strong frame
  * His t-shirt floating to reveal the way his pants sag on his hipbones
  * And Draco’s watching him 
  * Feeling warmth in his cheeks again
  * Something he hasn’t felt in so long
  * At the same time he can feel the familiar heat of a healing spell travelling through his arm
  * Unusually tender in comparison to the feeling of casting it on himself 
  * And he can feel the tears as they continue to drift down his cheeks now
  * He can’t seem to stop them
  * He can’t seem to hate himself for being so vulnerable, so weak with Harry so near
  * But suddenly Harry is kneeling before him
  * His hand cautiously wrapped around Draco’s forearm which has now been submerged beneath the bubbles
  * Their eyes meeting hesitantly
  * And Draco doesn’t have it in him to yell, there’s nothing left inside to make him scream 
  * ‘What were you doing?’
  * His tongue is thick and his throat is dry
  * He just stares aimlessly into Harry’s face
  * ‘Draco please. What’s happening?’
  * ‘I don’t want it.’
  * ‘Don’t want what?’
  * ‘It. I don’t want it.’
  * And Draco guides his arm up with Harry still attached
  * Harry runs his fingers over the jagged surface
  * Over faded white lines and harsh red marks of tender skin 
  * And Draco is watching Harry’s fingers glide
  * The soft way in which he touches him
  * Almost like he’s made of glass
  * And then a drop of water falls onto the mark
  * He turns his head up 
  * Watches as Harry does the same to meet his gaze
  * ‘I-I’m sorry.’
  * ‘For what?’
  * ‘I couldn’t save you.’
  * ‘Wasn’t your job.’
  * ‘Wasn’t your **choice**.’
  * Draco flinches
  * And his voice comes of slow
  * It’s like pulling teeth the way the words fall languidly from his lips
  * ‘ _But it was_. I chose my family over everyone else. I chose my parents. I chose myself. And obviously that wasn’t the right choice to make was it?’
  * ‘That wasn’t the wrong one either Draco. It was just yours.’
  * He hates that Potter has to rationalize it
  * Hates that he won’t just let him be the monster of his own story
  * ‘But look where they are, look where I am-’
  * ‘Alive?’
  * Draco blinked
  * Cursing everything that made Harry so utterly himself
  * Made his heart so unbearably large
  * And he couldn’t stand the sight of the tears that dotted Harry’s cheeks
  * The pity than fell from his eyes
  * _He didn’t need his tears_
  * ‘That’s the irony of it all isn’t it? To live with this reminder etched into my fucking skin.’
  * ‘You’re strong Draco.’
  * He can hear the thoughtfulness of Harry’s words
  * He’s not trying to anger him, not trying to make his skin itch
  * But Draco _is_ angry
  * Frustrated with himself for being so weak
  * Beyond mad at Potter for being such a hero
  * For always being a savior
  * ‘Maybe I’m not Potter, ever think of that? Maybe after all this fucking time I’m the weak prick you always thought I was. Maybe I was never any better deep down, maybe this was what was meant to be all along?’
  * And without missing a beat Draco feels Harry tense
  * His fingers going rigid against Draco’s arms
  * ‘I don’t believe that for a second.’
  * Harry’s thumb is moving in circles over the faded lines
  * But his eyes stay steady
  * ‘You’re unbelievable you know that. You- you’re the kind of person who took one look at me, one fucking look when Bellatrix wanted me dead and **lied**. You’re the kind of person who stayed in the Room of Requirement acting like some macho prat but when it was burning to the ground you tried to turn back, just to save a friend who caused the whole mess. I know you made mistakes. I know. But that strength is in who you are now. I’ve seen it. I still see it.’
  * ‘There are more important things than strength Harry.’
  * ‘You’re right. There’s loyalty and heart and generosity and kindness and-and .. and love.’
  * Harry was chewing on his lip
  * ‘There are people here who care about you.’
  * Draco scoffs, his eyes rolling as his eyes find the water
  * ‘No really, Pansy and Blaise … And me.’
  * ‘ _You?_ ’
  * ‘Yeah.’
  * ‘Why on earth would you give a shit about me _Potter_?’
  * Harry was staring into Draco’s eyes
  * It was as if he was searching his face for the answer
  * But then he simply pursed his lips and raised Draco’s arm from the water
  * His fingers more delicately than ever tracing the faded marks that rested there
  * ‘Because … you’re worth giving a shit about _Malfoy_.’
  * Draco’s lips felt numb
  * And the way Harry’s fingers danced across his skin was causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand
  * ‘You don’t need this. To do this. Whatever it is. Just-just come find me next time. Please?’
  * Draco nodded his head slowly
  * Unsure of Harry’s new proclivity for helping him
  * Unsure of the feeling bubbling in the pit of his stomach at their words
  * _Unsure of everything_
  * ‘Okay, good …’
  * A sigh of relief fell from Harry’s lips
  * ‘You’ll come back to the dorm with me then?’
  * Draco nodded again
  * Confusion settling comfortably between his brows
  * Silence filling the space between them
  * As Harry led him from the tub
  * As he siphoned the water from their skin, from his own clothing
  * As they made their way through the dark and airy halls of Hogwarts
  * Nothing more exchanged but glances and shoulder brushes
  * And the itch on Draco’s skin of the  **promise** he had made




	2. Harry Potter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry may have been able to help Draco, may always be able to seem strong, but sometime the Savior needs a Savior.

  * The fireplace has always held some sort of solace for him
  * And he wasn’t sure why 
  * Maybe it was because he had sat there with Ron and Hermione so many times it was like their laughter echoed in his head just because of the flames
  * Or maybe it was because he could still see Sirius’ face in the burning embers that laid against the stone when he was still here, still with him
  * Or maybe it was because it’s the same place all those letters had shown up, the ones that had finally taken him away 
  * Taken him from the screaming and the taunting and the lonely ache
  * From the newspapers that clapped against the back of his head, the knuckles that rebounded off his thigh under the dinner table, the ringing of locks as they rattled shut
  * He’s not entirely sure
  * But whatever the reason is, fireplaces bring him warmth
  * And they became a place to lose his head for a while
  * To tire out his dry eyes and soothe his mess of a mind
  * Especially on nights like tonight when he’s finished his dreamless potions for the month
  * And he can’t ask Pomfrey for more yet 
  * But _merlin_ he wants too
  * Because he just can’t sleep when they scream
  * Can’t rid his skin of the tingling feeling
  * It’s like the killing curse is rushing through him again
  * Like a cold blade is slicing out from inside him
  * Like everything has gone black before it goes white 
  * And he can’t stop himself from seeing the hundreds of pairs of lifeless eyes that stare at him as if his mind is a spyglass 
  * And they’re reminding him of everything he hadn’t done, of everyone he’d broken and stepped on along the way 
  * The thoughts always cause him to shake 
  * And his mind never quiets anymore
  * It’s hard enough to stare at a blackboard or to listen to a professor ramble when you feel like you’ve lived a second life
  * When you’ve used more defensive curses than they may ever have
  * When each classroom looks partially polished, partially like it’s out of a memory
  * Harry can see exactly where the cracks in the stone are
  * Where curses rebounded off walls and brought them to their knees
  * Rounding corners, avoiding hallways because he can see their faces
  * Fred, Lavender, Colin … he can see them all
  * And it’s getting harder again
  * He thought the first month was okay
  * He was home, he wasn’t on the run, he had nothing to fear
  * But now he’s realized it
  * Just like Remus said all those years ago
  * He fears nothing but fear itself
  * And it’s debilitating 
  * He can barely focus when Ron talks
  * Barely remember to make it out to the Quidditch pitch anymore
  * He loses himself mid-sentence and he knows he scares Hermione
  * Knows his friends are worried beyond belief
  * But he feels like he’s losing track of the days, of the hours
  * And he’s managed to stay afloat so far
  * Thrown his efforts into helping everyone else, everyone who he knows has felt the same loss
  * Helping those who he couldn’t help the first time
  * _Like Draco_
  * His mind sighs at the name
  * And he can’t stop the visions that flood him 
  * Draco’s pale white skin contrasted with a deep red
  * The first time it had been his fault and he had sworn he would never make that mistake twice
  * Sworn that he would let that day be a constant reminder of his failings as the hero the world wanted him to be
  * So when he came to see that vision again not a few weeks before
  * The beautiful curve of Draco’s back
  * The broadness of his shoulders
  * The pained look that strained his face
  * The sweet image blurred by Harry’s refusal to let anything happen to him again
  * He jumped in, head first, without question
  * The healing spell leaving his lips, his arms around Draco faster than he cared to admit
  * But he wouldn’t let it go again
  * Wouldn’t let Draco fall again
  * Because it was all his fault now
  * Just like it was then
  * ‘Potter?’
  * Harry flinches at the sound of his name
  * His entire body leaping from the couch and whipping around
  * His wand tightly gripped in his fingers
  * And his body still quaking from when he had taken to the stairs, when he had figured another sleepless night was coming
  * Every sense on red alert for another invasion, for another attack
  * ‘Woah it’s just me.’
  * Draco’s hands flew upward 
  * And Harry feels the tightening of his chest, the shame and the guilt
  * His wand falls from his tight grip
  * The echo of it hitting the ground stuns him for a moment
  * And he can feel Draco’s silver eyes on him, curious and soft
  * But he can’t help be feel paralyzed
  * ‘Are you alright?’
  * He shakes his head and turns back to the fire
  * All he has to do is focus here
  * Let the flames dance in his vision, dance in his head
  * And he’ll forget the way it felt to be so alone
  * Forget the way shadows made him jump
  * How the colour red, once bold and bright and homely and just so Gryffindor gives him a sickening feeling
  * All he can see are Voldemort’s eyes and the sparks that flare off his wand and blood, _so much blood_
  * But he’ll be okay
  * He breathes deep
  * He’ll be able to focus for a few moments more if he just breathes
  * ‘Potter?’
  * He flexes his knuckles
  * Stretches his toes
  * Slowly identifies every aspect of his body by the twitch of his knee and the arch of his foot and relaxing of his shoulders
  * He lets his eyes flutter open
  * Lets his breathing be calm again
  * ‘Harry?’
  * In the span of time it’s taken him to get his bearings Draco has rounded the corner of the couch
  * Is standing before him, enough space that Harry realizes he’s trying not to frighten him again
  * And he feels all the more ridiculous, all the more embarrassed
  * ‘Yeah sorry, just surprised me that’s all.’
  * ‘Yes well you surprised me too.’
  * Draco wraps the blanket more tightly around himself
  * ‘I didn’t know anyone would come down here.’
  * ‘Well clearly neither did I.’
  * Harry follows Draco’s lead as he leans back against the couch
  * Harry has practically pushed it up against the fireplace
  * Remus had told him his mother used to do that
  * He would find her fast asleep and drowning in parchment with her face glowing from the heat of dying embers
  * ‘Why are you awake?’
  * Harry turned to see Draco’s eyes
  * They had narrowed at him
  * As if they hadn’t gone through a war, as if everything that had transpired between them hadn’t happened at all
  * It was a nice little dream
  * To imagine they were still those overdramatic first years
  * ‘You know the answer to that.’
  * Harry interlocks his fingers
  * His elbows digging into his thighs as he leans closer towards the fire
  * Rhyming off what it reminds him of
  * Rhyming off the things that make him feel a little more here, a little less in his head
  * ‘Yeah I do. But it gets easier if you say it.’
  * Harry flinches
  * He had said the same thing last time they had been alone together
  * Harry had found Draco frozen outside the wall where the Room of Requirement often formed
  * Long gone because of the spell that had set it ablaze
  * Draco had been mumbling and shaking
  * Something about being sorry and how wrong it was and sucking them into a world he hadn’t even been prepared for
  * It was the first time Harry had hugged him
  * The first time Draco had opened up
  * ‘Oh is that what you do then?’
  * ‘What?’
  * ‘Oh that’s right, you just tell everyone else to do that because you’re the Savior so obviously you don’t need any saving. Jumping out of your skin with a curse on your lips just because I came down the stairs too quickly is totally normal.’
  * Harry could feel the spite on Draco’s lips
  * Feel him trying to twist his words like a knife
  * Vulnerability had always made him sensitive
  * But then again, it had done that to Harry too
  * ‘Reflexes from a war _Malfoy_.’
  * ‘A war that happened well over a year ago _Potter_. A war you bloody won.’
  * ‘Won. That doesn’t mean anything.’
  * Harry’s voice trailed off as his eyes found the fire again
  * His mantra repeating over and over in his head
  * _Mom. Dad. Sirius. Ron. Hermione. Remus. Hogwarts …._
  * ‘He’s not going to come back.
  * Losing his focus and feeling irritation crawl up his spine Harry spit back
  * ‘I realize that.’
  * ‘Do you? Seems like you were ready to fight me to the death just then. Never seen your eyes go that dark before Potter.’
  * ‘Usually staring into my eyes Malfoy?’
  * He just wanted Draco to let it go
  * Just wanted him to realize that he was right
  * Harry was the Savior, he didn’t need any saving
  * ‘Don’t deflect because you can’t talk about your pain.’
  * ‘I’m not deflecting! It’s just none of your goddamn business.’
  * ‘But I’m supposed to let you into my business? All that garbage about how I don’t need this and I should just keep coming to find you.’
  * ‘It wasn’t garbage!’
  * ‘Then what was it Potter because I’m not some charity case. And you can stop feeling so damn guilty. Everyone made their own choices in that war with or without you and I’ll live with that.’
  * The words felt wrong
  * And Harry had heard them so many times
  * But his mind couldn’t let them in, wouldn’t let them through
  * ‘I could have changed it, I know I could have.’
  * ‘No you couldn’t.’
  * ‘Why do you keep bloody saying that!’
  * ‘Because it’s the truth! You think you could have done anything other than tie me up that would have made me fear him less? I knew you had a plan Potter, I knew you might beat him but it was too big of a might. I couldn’t risk it. Couldn’t risk my family on the chance you _might_ kill him.’
  * ‘N-no I could have- No I would- That’s not …’
  * Every syllable off Draco’s tongue was vibrating around in his head
  * And his breathing was picking up
  * And he couldn’t think
  * And no matter how many times he tried to start the mantra he felt it slide away as his mind reminded him
  * _Remus. Tonks. Sirius. Dobby. Mad-Eye. Fred. Dumbledore …_
  * ‘I was bound to fuck it all up. And you were bound to save us.’
  * ‘But I didn’t.’
  * Everything was tightening
  * His muscles were strained, his eyes blurred, his feet tapping harshly against the floor
  * ‘What?’
  * Draco spoke softly
  * ‘Why are you-’
  * ‘I didn’t did I? I tore entire families apart! The people who fought in my name, in my parents names, most of them died!’
  * The shaking continued
  * Harry could feel something cool wrap around his shoulder but he couldn’t stop
  * His knees were banging together, his neck aching from the strain, his jaw gritted so tightly his head began to pound
  * ‘Calm down Harry.’
  * ‘All of them lost someone Malfoy! Everyone I care about- everyone … They were that much closer to death because I couldn’t fucking figure it out. I just couldn’t! I was too late…’
  * ‘Just take a breath Harry. A deep breath.’
  * Harry could feel Draco moving towards him
  * Another arm wrapping around his back
  * A hand soothingly moving across his spine
  * It made his skin feel cool, much cooler than the heat running through him
  * Turning his skin to fire
  * His shoulder pressed harshly into Draco’s chest
  * His heartbeat so clear, so soothing
  * Just not soothing enough
  * ’I couldn’t defeat him fast enough. **I wasn’t enough**. And that pain merlin it’s everywhere. And I see it all the time Malfoy, I see it- I always see it …’
  * ‘It’s okay Harry.’
  * He could feel the tears dropping into his lap as Draco held him
  * ‘You’re going to be okay’
  * And Harry let himself be held as the tears drained from him
  * As his body convulsed and his heart thundered
  * He let the scent of Draco wash over him
  * The mint tea and the welcome spritz of lavender
  * He could feel Draco’s breathing and it was so rhythmic and calming
  * He held him for as long as Harry seemed to need
  * ‘M’s-sorry.’
  * Was all he could muster as his rocking slowed
  * As he flexed his fingers, arched his feet, took a deep breath
  * ‘Just returning the favour.’
  * Harry could feel a laugh in his chest
  * And a smile creep over his lips
  * Because leave it to Draco Malfoy to be kind and gentle and all the while maintain his icy air
  * ‘You’re right.’
  * ‘And you’re surprised?’
  * Draco pushed back from Harry
  * Some space between them but not nearly enough
  * And somehow Harry didn’t mind as the smell of mint continued to waft over him
  * ‘I should talk.’
  * ‘Yeah.’
  * Draco shifted on the couch again
  * His blanket pooling around his back as the glow from the flames made his skin look silver
  * Harry knew he was watching him, much too intently for how close they were
  * But something had changed between them
  * The air didn’t feel quite so frigid
  * ‘Going to bed?’
  * ‘What so I can lie awake in that infernally cold room while you have this warm fire all to yourself, I think not.’
  * ‘Mind if I talk then?’
  * Draco’s eyes widened momentarily
  * And it was like the visage almost fell away
  * Harry caught a brief glimpse before the wall came back and the solemn nod followed
  * And he felt **okay**
  * All it took was another deep breath, another slow mantra, another languid glance at the fireplace
  * And he could feel himself trying
  * Even if it was two in the morning and he was with Draco Malfoy and the hole in his chest felt like he might collapse
  * He was starting



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/156387882517/dark-mark-ii


	3. Together.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This, Draco thinks, is what it’s like to be too close to the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After delving into Harry and Draco’s more intimate mental health issues and touching on how that relationship developed. I wanted to give a happy little relief to the fic where this time, they find some release (not implying smut what are you talking about nope nope no…. I mean maybe … I mean yes 100% yes).

  * This time his nails are digging into his palms so painfully hard that he’s sure to draw blood
  * He’s biting his lower lip to the point it’ll bruise
  * Gripping at the sheets of his bed to stop himself
  * Trying not to breath so loudly, trying to not to _think_ so loudly
  * Trying his hardest to keep himself exactly where he is
  * Trying not to fall to the ever ebbing weakness
  * Not to fall to his vulnerabilities
  * **Not again**
  * But its been weeks since that moment in the bathroom
  * Since that moment in the common room
  * And he doesn’t know how much longer he can stand this restlessness crawling across his skin
  * How much longer he can let these thoughts roam wild
  * Somewhere deep inside himself he wants to pad the hallways to his safe space
  * The hard stone carrying him closer and closer to that familiar release 
  * Something to unwind the tension that strains his muscles
  * Something to fill the ever forming cracks in his mind
  * Hide them from his conscious thought for one day longer
  * Fill them with whatever he can for one day more
  * But … its not entirely what he wants anymore
  * For some reason there’s this itching
  * Beneath the bravado that has kept him just far enough away
  * That wants _him_ , needs _him_
  * And as soon as he made that bloody promise he knew it was true
  * Knew that the strange need for his eyes to drift across the Great Hall meant something more
  * And he made it over and over again
  * Every time they met, every time Harry would nod
  * And Draco found himself whispering it into the darkness to remind himself he had done it
  * Stood under Harry’s beautiful gaze more times in the last few months than he wants to admit to himself
  * With his hands carefully running over his scars every time
  * Harry reaching out to touch him, coax him down, calm his mind
  * Draco’s fingers always so cold when they ran across Harry’s back
  * That it was something more for Harry too
  * They had found something in each other
  * Some sort of **solace**
  * And it didn’t matter where he was, what he was doing
  * If he had disappeared for mere moments
  * Harry knew
  * Harry found him
  * And every time Draco told him he wouldn’t do it
  * Told him with every intention to break that promise
  * He had always been good at lacing his words, hiding his lies beneath them
  * But he hasn’t, he’s trying to keep to it
  * Been trying not to go there, to not run
  * Been trying to find the strength inside him that for some reason Harry believes is there
  * That he wants with everything inside himself to believe is there
  * And every time he speaks with Harry he thinks for maybe a second he can do it
  * Because there’s this light in Harry’s smile when they talk
  * This tenderness in his soft green eyes
  * They melt together on the couch
  * Harry’s hand always brushing against his leg
  * Their voices carrying the night away
  * Harry telling him that it’s hard not to feel like his mind is his own again
  * Draco stuttering out that he misses what it was like to be in control
  * Harry’s frame quaking against Draco’s as he holds him
  * Draco’s doing the same
  * There are no words in the moments before sleep
  * In the moments after they spill the contents of their mind
  * Just their heartbeats colliding
  * Draco’s hand’s resting on Harry’s as his shake
  * His forehead resting against Harry’s shoulder
  * Tempted to place his lips against his skin, feel the warmth, slow the shaking
  * But it’s getting harder
  * Because he can’t always be there for Harry
  * And he can’t do this for Harry, can’t want this for Harry
  * Can’t hope that each one of Harry’s delicate glances will take the edge off 
  * And the fire he’s seemed to light in Draco’s stomach will stay lit
  * He has to want this for himself
  * But tonight is a war he’s not sure he can win
  * He lost the last one all those months ago
  * When he was Atlas and his hollow body, his darkened soul was the world
  * What makes him think this one will be any different?
  * And he knows he needs this
  * Knows he wants this
  * Knows he’s not going to be able to hold himself together much longer if he doesn’t get the distraction that he’s craving
  * So he sits up 
  * His feet dangling over the edge of the bed
  * It’s a test for himself
  * A test to prove he’s not going to crumble
  * Not going to run to Potter’s open arms
  * Not going to prove him right
  * _That_ Draco is weak willed
  * _That_ Draco is easily over powered by the tumultuous waves that ransack his mind
  * _That_ Draco can’t stop thinking about the dark walls of Malfoy Manor
  * How he woke up in so man cold sweats after accidently resting his eyes for more than mere moments
  * The darkness, the air closing in on him
  * His mind open to the attacks of the most malicious
  * The ones who sat at his dinner table, who laughed in the face death, who spit on hallowed ground
  * And there he couldn’t do anything to change that
  * But here, at Hogwarts, he can delve into those corners of his mind
  * Can think about sweet touches and coy glances and sultry smirks
  * The place where light is safe again, where happiness has started to grow again 
  * He finds his father’s smile there, the last one he ever saw
  * Finds his Aunt’s laugh when she was slipping him chocolates rather than brandishing her wand
  * Finds the nights he forgot what time it was because of Pansy’s ridiculous games and Blaise’s quick wit
  * But there’s something new there he can’t seem to stop thinking about
  * Potter’s plush pink lips are there
  * And his calloused palms as they interlace with Draco’s
  * And his broad shoulders as they wrap around him
  * But before he can remind himself that his bed is where he belongs
  * That his bed is where those thoughts stay cramped in his mind
  * Harrys ’name only slipping over his lips for a few seconds every few nights
  * When he wants to make his way across the room but knows he shouldn’t
  * This time is different
  * For some reason his body has taken over 
  * He swings his feet back off the bed
  * Ignores the pull that tells him to rest his head against his pillow
  * That tells him he shouldn’t go
  * Draco gives in to the magnetic feeling that comes for that fire coiled in his stomach
  * Even though he wants to let the triumph of overcoming his thoughts on his own curl on his chest
  * Wants to fall asleep knowing he’s conquered his greatest enemy
  * But what he wants more is Harry
  * So without a second thought he’s pushing himself off the bed
  * With his shaking knees and his restless fingers
  * With the air in his lungs like saw dust as he sucks in
  * He makes his way across the room
  * That four poster bed that’s been so close to him all night
  * All year
  * And yet farther than Draco wants it to be right now
  * He stands before the deep maroon curtains
  * That mental war he’s been having slowly fades as he watches his fingers curl around the curtain
  * As he yanks it back
  * As moonlight washes over the figure in front of him
  * He watches Harry blink his eyes open
  * ‘Malfoy?’
  * Draco can’t feel himself anymore
  * Can’t feel the velvet in his hand or the nails of his fingers digging into his palm or the cold, hard wood beneath his feet
  * But he can hear Harry
  * And the shallow breaths
  * And the rustling of him as he manages to face him
  * ‘What are you-’
  * Harry’s voice seems to fade away
  * And Draco has no idea why
  * But then that warmth that is so characteristically Harry is wrapping around his wrist and spreading up his arm
  * Anchoring him to this world rather than the one he’s conjured in his head
  * Harry is pulling on him
  * And Draco is just letting him
  * Not realizing how cold his limbs are until they burn from the warmth of Harry’s frame, the cozy feeling of his sheets
  * Not realizing he’s been shaking
  * That his skin has risen all over and his teeth are clamoring together
  * That his jaw is gritted harder than ever before
  * He’s lying on his back
  * And he can feel Harry’s eyes boring into the side of his face
  * It’s all too familiar
  * A feeling of remembrance spreads over his skin from days of two young boys and a much smaller world
  * And it makes his eyes swell
  * And usually he feels hollow, usually when his body won’t stop quaking its because he cant feel anything at all
  * But being here
  * Beneath Harry’s gaze
  * It’s all too much, too many emotions, too many _could have beens_ and _should have beens_
  * So he tries to leave
  * ‘This was a mist-’
  * ‘No-’
  * It comes so quick from Harry’s lips its like he was expecting Draco to try to make an escape
  * His hand wraps itself around Draco’s arm again
  * **Around the mark**
  * And he can’t help but still
  * ‘What can I do?’
  * The words are so breathy and inviting and Draco can’t stop himself from turning to look
  * Harry’s skin is like a fire against him, it’s always like a fire
  * He’s radiating so much heat that Draco just wants to wrap himself around him and never let go
  * So he does
  * He’s given into his heart once tonight, _why not again_?
  * He’s lying on his side
  * His nose practically brushing against Harry’s
  * ‘You’re so warm’
  * His words are long and drawn out 
  * He lets his frozen hands trail under where Harry’s shirt meets his pants
  * He can smell Harry’s minty tooth paste as he takes a breath
  * ‘I don’t want to think about it anymore.’
  * And he’s staring into Harry’s bright green eyes
  * Knowing he’s wanted this somewhere deep inside himself for a while
  * But everything was piling up
  * His feelings held under lock and key while that darkness invaded his family, his home … **him**
  * But he won’t do it anymore, won’t hold back
  * Won’t stop himself from wanting what he does, for feeling what he feels when he feels it
  * So what if he leans in carefully?
  * So what if it’s to brush himself against the softness of Harry Potter?
  * His fingers move to grasp Harry’s jutted hipbone
  * ‘Make me forget’
  * The words catch on the end of his tongue as his lips graze Harry’s
  * And it’s like he’s electrified him
  * Harry’s eyes go wide, the forest green turning dark
  * And then the searing feeling of Harry’s lips on his own crashes over him
  * The burning ache of Harry’s palm against his naked waist as he pulls them together
  * Their chests connecting
  * The scrambling of Harry’s fingers as they get rid of his shirt, as they lift his own
  * The heated gasping as their lips break free, the groans as they come back together
  * _This_ , Draco thinks, _is what it’s like to be too close to the Sun_
  * He hasn’t known pain like this
  * And he knows it’s not even close to what he could feel with Harry
  * Not until he’s felt the fire inside of Harry radiating deep inside him as well
  * Not until he’s been turned to ash by the pure ferocity of it all
  * And he thinks he might be tonight
  * Because Harry’s looming over him now
  * Ravishing his neck and gripping at his hips 
  * Draco can’t control the need to press himself upward
  * To feel that friction
  * To find that new release
  * One that’s been building in the pit of his stomach since he found him
  * He arches his back and finds the tight confines of Harry’s pajamas
  * And Harry’s voice is ringing in his ears sweet and delicious
  * Draco’s sure its his name over and over again
  * As his hands slide Harry’s pajamas down his hips
  * As Harry does the same
  * And suddenly its like Harry’s everywhere
  * With just the right pressure
  * With just the right touch
  * Hands moving over Draco’s waist, grasping at his neck to pull them back together
  * He lips latched onto Draco’s
  * His tongue delving deeper into his mouth
  * And Harry’s touching him in a way that makes the fire that’s all over him burn hotter than it ever has before
  * And _merlin_ he just wants to keep going
  * Wants to remember everything he’s feeling
  * Harry’s palm wrapped around him
  * His palm wrapped around Harry
  * Their foreheads pressed together
  * Harry’s teeth nipping at his lower lip
  * All of its bringing him closer to the edge and it’s faster than he wants it to be but he can’t bring him to stop
  * As Harry twists his wrist
  * As he grasping a little tighter
  * Harry breathing his moans into is mouth
  * His orgasm hits him like a speeding train
  * And his mind goes blank with nothing on his lips but
  * ‘ _Harry’_
  * And it feels right
  * As Harry topples onto him
  * ‘ _Draco’_
  * His tousled mess of curls brushing against Draco’s face
  * All he can feel is the weight of Harry pressing into him
  * The heat between their stomachs
  * He lifts his eyes to meet Draco’s
  * And he’s not sure what to say but when they lock their gaze
  * Draco’s anxieties settle
  * His need to get up and run, to hold onto this release and let himself finally fall asleep seem so unimportant
  * ‘Stay.’
  * It’s like Harry’s reading his mind
  * ‘Okay’
  * And he does
  * Because Harry wants this too
  * Whatever this is
  * And maybe they can do this after all
  * Maybe they can survive this after all
  * Maybe the war didn’t damage them entirely 
  * Maybe there’s something out there worth coming back for
  * Maybe there’s something **right next to him** worth coming back for



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/156571292612/dark-mark-iii

**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/156112950532/dark-mark


End file.
